Stories for Everyone But You

Illustration by Anne Anderson, from Grandma's Graphics

My fab buddy and writing-partner Beatrix Cottonpants recently decided to collect her fractured fables, fairy and folk tales for the...er, pleasure...of the 'net at large at her new blog Stories for Everyone But You. Surely you've heard of "The Boy Who Cried Hippie"? Or "Little Someone-or-Other in the Pinstripe Fedora"? "Rabunzel the Rabbit Girl"? No? Then hop over, curl up with your laptop in front of a roaring fire and savor your childhood favorites as you don't remember them.

Have a tiny excerpt from one of my favorites, "Hansel and Gretel, Creepiest Twins Ever":

The twins heard none of that conversation. What they did overhear, however, was the conversation their parents had the very next night, the one where they agreed to go for a drive the next day, kick the kids out of the car, and abandon them. And so, when they were told the next day that they were going on a road trip, they smiled and said nothing. When their father pretended to be lost, they fretted and said nothing. And when they were asked to get out of the car and look for directions, they complied and said nothing.

Once they were out of the car, however, Hansel explained to his sister that the whole time, he’d been dropping crumbs from the window, to make a trail they could follow back. Gretel exclaimed that she, too, had done the same thing, and that with two trails to follow, they’d certainly make it home again.

Except…when they reached the road, they were greeted with a terrible sight. There were no crumbs! In the distance, they could make out shapes on the road and soon discovered a veritable trail of dead birds. Oh! The poor things must have stopped to eat the crumbs, and been killed for their troubles. The most unfortunate thing, however, was that many of the birds had obviously made off with their food, so there was not even a trail of dead birds to follow home.

Hansel and Gretel wandered for some time, lost and hungry. One day, though, they stumbled upon something amazing. A house made of candy! Even though neither was fond of candy (they preferred beefy jerky and salted crackers), they attacked the house like children who had not eaten in several hours.